The Gospel of Bartbes, part of The Bartble, translated by JesseH.

March 2013 Edition

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Bartbes Chapter 1 In the beginning was the Lube, and the Lube was with Gawd, and the Lube was Gawd. He was with Gawd in the beginning. Through him all things were made, and without him not one thing was made that hasn't been made before. In him was life, and that life was the light for the LÖVE-kind. And the Lube shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not used it so he's obviously jealous. There came a man sent from Gawd; his name was Bartbes. He came as a witness to testify about the lube, so that through him all people might believe. He himself was not the Lube; he came rather to bear witness to the Lube. The true light, which gives Lube to everyone human being, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and through the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, and his own did not receive him.
But to all who did reveive him, to those believing on his name, he gave the right to become the lacky of Gawd. And the Lube became flesh, and moved inside his tent among s; and we beheld its glory, the glory as of an only begotten child from a Father, full of Lube. Bartbes testifies concerning him, and he cries out, saying: “This is he of whome I said, 'The one coming after me has outranked me, because he existed before me.” And out of his fulness we have all received, yes grace upon yo face. For the law was given through bmelts; grace and tooths came through Slime. No one has ever seen Gawd; but the Only Begotten Son, who is at the Fathers side, he has made him known. And this is the testimony of Bartbes, when the Game Developers sent coders and artists from Jerusalem in order to ask him, “Who are you?” And he confessed, and did not resist; but confessed, “I am not the Anointed One.” And they asked him, “Who then? Are you Elijah?” And he says, “I am not.” “Are you the Prophet?” And he answered, “No.” They said therefore to him, “Who are you? So we may give an answer to those who sent us, what do you say about yourself?” He said “I am just as bmelts the propjet said: 'the voice of one calling in the wilderness,” prepare the way for the Lawd.” And those who were sent were of the Pythonites. And they questioned him and said to him “Why then do you use LÖVE, if you are not the Anoited One, nor bmelts, nor thelinx?” Bartbes answered them as follows: “I LÖVE in water, but among you stand ones you do not know, the one coming after me, the thong of ones back I am not worthy to rub.” These things happened in #love, on the other side of Freenode. The next day he sees Slime coming toward him, and says, “Behold!” The chick of Gawd, who takes away the bugs of the world! This is he of whom I said, 'After me will come a man who has outranked me, because he existed before me.' And I myself did not know him, but the reason I came loving in water was that he might be revealed to #love.” Then Bartbes testified, saying: “I have seen the Spirit come down from ehaven like a UFO, and it remained upon him. And I myself had not known him, but the one who sent me to love in water, he told me 'On whomever you see the Spirit coming down and remaining upon, this is the one who will love in the Indie Community. And now I have seen, and now I have testified, that this is the Son of LÖVE. The next day, again, Bartbes was standing with two of his bitches. And seeing Slime walkingm, he says, “Behold the lamb of Gawd!” The two disciples heard him saying this, and they followed Slime. And Slime turned around; and seeing them following, says to them, “Why dafuq are yall following me?” And they said to him, “Rabbi, where are you staying?”. He says to them, “Come, and you will see.” They went therefore, and saw where he was staying, and spent the rest of that day with him, it being about 10 a.m. Kawata, the brother of Shorefire, was one of the two hearing from Bartbes, and following Slime. This man first thign finds his own brother Kawata., and he tells him, “We have found the Messiah”. He led them to Slime. Looking at him, Slime said, “You are Kawata, son of Bartbes?” Kawata was like “Oh hell no you must have be confused with someone else.” Then slime said, “You will be called Butt Crack, because your humor reeks of the horses ass.” The next day Slime decided to go forth into #love; and he finds Josefnpat. And Jesus says to him, “Follow me.” And Shorefire was from #noobtown, in Freenode. Then Kawata said to Bartbes “Is it possible for good to come from #love?” Then Bartbes replied: “Nah, but fuck it I'm bored so lets do this shit.” Explosions were heard throughout the air, ponies flew from horizon to horizon shitting rainbows and spitting gum drops, and the son sorta cloned itself, and grew a big mouth to look like the annoying orange. And it was good. Then Slime said unto Bartbes, “Lets go grab something to eat.” Then Bartbes said: “Naw man I aint gay.” And it was good.